If you ask me whether there’s a scar, I will tell you this.
The other evening you asked me about how you entered the world. You were being quite literal. We had talked about it a few times before so I was surprised you had forgotten. Or maybe you really hadn’t—you are one who likes to hear stories many times over.
So I reminded you. But I think it was the first time I mentioned there was a scar. You wanted to see it. I said I would show you the next time I changed clothes, which happened to be about an hour later.
It’s barely visible now. A faint pink smile low on my torso. You seemed astonished at how little had to be cut in order for you to fit through. Of course you were only just under nine pounds back then, but I tend to agree. It is quite amazing.
After you went to bed that night, I realized that I only have three scars on my body from some kind of compromise to my skin, like a puncture or slice. Two of them are because of you: the one I showed you, and one on my wrist where a nurse inserted the IV line I had during those two days of labor.
The one on my wrist is barely visible. I don’t think anyone else would notice it’s even there. But I still see it. A faint white dot. I hope it never fully heals. It brings me back to that day when you made me a mother.
I barely can stand to look at myself naked anymore so I don’t go out of my way to glimpse that tidy small curve where they pulled you out. But sometimes I see it accidentally. It reminds me of my strength, yes, but more so that from the beginning I was never really in control of very much when it comes to you. You and my body had other plans for how you were going to make an entrance. And so it was. It’s a good reminder to see now and again. I hope it never fades.
The last scar is on my leg. It takes me longer to find it now, but it’s there. A shallow line, about an inch long, running along my right shin bone. Suffice it to say the first time I ever shaved required a lot of bandages. I remember it clearly. I was at my aunt’s house in Florida. We were there for her wedding and I pleaded with my mother to be allowed to shave. I assume maybe my cousin was already shaving and I felt jealous. My scar is from the very first time that sharp razor touched my skin. I went too deep.
Isn’t that how all scars affect us? Most of them anyway. They run deep. They are not always accidental. They are not always self-inflicted. They are not always tragic. And they are not always visible like the three I’ve shown you. Indeed I have others imprinted in the center of my heart, only for me to feel the tug and twist of that latent scar tissue time and again. All of us carry those kind of scars. Remember this because each and every scar represents some moment in time where something shifted and redefined who we are, whether only in that moment or forever thereafter. Just like the scars you left behind for me.
Copyright (c) 2016 Kristen M. Ploetz
It’s due in two days. It should be easy. Just check one of the boxes.
The irony isn’t lost on me that my response is due in January, which is named after Janus, the two-faced god who simultaneously looks toward the past and the future.
I’m talking about my annual bar membership renewal. If I get real with myself, I know I am probably done forever with actively representing clients. I have had only one client, in the traditional sense, in the past two years (though I do have a few freelance writing clients). I fully admit that I have not actively gone looking for more. I now know I loathe that part, among others, of being an attorney.
What fulfills me is writing. It needs to be my sole focus for the time being, both professionally and personally. It allows me to better weave the title of “mother” into my life too. Even if some of the issues I write about are legal in nature, I do not need an active bar member card for that.
Still, while I now comfortably identify myself as a writer, I have always added “and attorney” to that as a safety harness.
So what’s holding me back from switching to inactive status? Pride, sadness, identity crisis, fear, difficulty accepting change … take your pick.
One of the last things I remember about being a “lawyer” lawyer was when I was really, REALLY pregnant in summer 2007. I was in court for trial. On one of those days, I was wearing a light blue maternity button down shirt under my suit. It felt like a neon sign given that my belly was incredibly huge and I usually stayed away from button down shirts (much less light blue ones) because I am wholly uncomfortable in them. I pivoted to change an exhibit on the easel and I tripped. Big bellies do not make for balanced ballast. I didn’t fall, but it was far from graceful, and my belly bumped the poster off the easel. Mortified would be an understatement. Thank goodness I had a female judge who’d “been there, done that.”
My immediate thought in that moment was “I fucking hate this,” followed by a cascade of self-doubt about my abilities as an attorney, much less the role I was about to take on at the end of the summer as a new mom.
Yet I gave myself some leeway being pregnant and all, and figured that it was the hormones that were giving me professional angst. I’d be back and swinging hard. And for a time, I was. For three and a half years after she was born, I went back. Then in early 2011, I realized a shift was necessary in order to preserve my sanity. I left to start my own tiny business, but still held on to the notion that I’d still be a “lawyer” lawyer in some reduced capacity, and on my own terms.
More than seven years later, I am pretty sure it wasn’t the hormones that were talking that day in trial. It was my heart.
The only vestigial organ left behind from that woman is the bar card tucked deep in her wallet. It has remained dormant, hiding behind her daughter’s insurance and library cards for some time. But because I still pay the $300+ renewal fee each year, it still says “active” … and it’s about to expire. I need a new card. I must declare something.
Maybe some people would be okay severing that last ribbon, but it’s hard for me.
It’s hard to let go of the last bit of someone I once was, even if I didn’t always love it, mainly because I’d worked hard to get it (or get through it). Yes, it’s just a small rectangle of laminated paper, but it’s symbolic too.
It’s hard as a parent who’s made this choice (to some degree) because of the changes that arose when my daughter entered the picture (don’t misread that; it’s not resentment, at all).
It’s hard as a woman who, at least implicitly, has the constant burden of thinking she should be one of the ones who should stay in the game in order to make changes that are much needed in the good ol’ boys field of law.
It’s sometimes hard to know what to say when you are introduced by your spouse to his colleagues (and their spouses), and it’s even more jarring to realize that even he is not sure how to explain what you “do” in your absence. This is because there is no easy way to characterize intentioned transition without someone’s eyes glazing over. That, I think, is a large part of why this has taken me so long to make the change. Attorney carries some kind of cache (though not always good) and is easier to explain or understand. And, so long as I pay to be considered “active”, it feels easier to say it with a straight face.
Strike that. Was easier.
This time, the choice is clear, even if the explanations are not. Inactive has been checked, and the malpractice policy is being cancelled. Besides, inactive has its own kind of panache, right?
Have you made a significant shift or fully let go professionally? Was it hard for you too? Give me your advice.
Copyright (c) 2015 Kristen M. Ploetz
Do you do your best thinking in the shower? I do. Sometimes I wonder if the puzzles of world peace or missing socks would best be solved if we all bathed together. On second thought…
This weekend I had another one of my water logged revelations. Or maybe they are epiphanies. It was about the theme of several of the books I’ve read lately.
Three of the books I’ve read over the past several months deal with the notion of being lost. I didn’t intentionally choose the books for this theme, but hindsight suggests that maybe I was (subconsciously) leaning toward books that might explain, commiserate, or even guide me through what I am seemingly experiencing right now, which is a sense of being lost. I think I’m feeling this way primarily about various forks along my vocational road, both the ones at my feet right now and the ones I sense ahead. The forks well behind me certainly come into all of this too, though for entirely different reasons.
I feel like I’m feeling my way in the dark so much of the time, aimlessly wandering down a path toward an unknown, uncharted destination.
The sensation of feeling a bit lost also seems to be tied to “where I see myself in the next ten years” (to use a job interview phrase) around the time when I will turn fifty and my daughter will be close to embarking out on her own. I am more of a planner by nature than a free-spirited wanderer, so the past three years in particular have really cut against the grain of who I am (though, surprisingly, in profoundly good ways). Still, I think about how the choices I make right now play into all that is yet to come. I’m constantly thinking about all of this, on some level, and I’m pretty sure I’ve got to make some choices soon. No more wasting time. I’ve got to “find” myself and get back on the map.
The books, you ask?
Out of the Woods: A Memoir of Wayfinding by Lynn Darling,
Wild by Cheryl Strayed, and most recently,
A Field Guide to Getting Lost by Rebecca Solnit.
There was even a poem that I found serendipitously last week in my copy of Good Poems, selected by Garrison Keillor: Lost by David Wagoner. How apt.
I’ve liked each book for very different reasons—indeed they each involve entirely different circumstances and writing styles. I found myself underlining passages quite frequently in Out of the Woods (which I reviewed briefly here) and A Field Guide to Getting Lost.
At minimum, they’ve shown me that I’m not unique in the experience of feeling or getting lost, even at this age. In fact, I venture to guess that, for many of us, more of us feel this way around the age of 40 than other ages, though no one seems to talk about it. Does this feeling ever subside down the road? I’m going to have to get back to you on that, but I can say that for myself, the feeling right now is more palpable than it has been since I was about 25 or so. It is unexpected, to say the least. Aren’t we supposed to be sure of ourselves four decades in? I’m not so sure anymore.
But there’s a passage in Solnit’s book that seems to help me think about it all with fresh eyes:
…the real difficulties, the real arts of survival, seem to lie in more subtle realms. There, what’s called for is a kind of resilience of the psyche, a readiness to deal with what comes next. These captives lay out in a stark and dramatic way what goes on in every day life: the transitions whereby you cease to be who you were. Seldom is it as dramatic, but nevertheless, something of this journey between the near and the far goes on in every life. Sometimes an old photograph, an old friend, an old letter will remind you that you are not who you once were, for the person who dwelt among them, valued this, chose that, wrote thus, no longer exists. Without noticing it you have traversed a great distance; the strange has become familiar and the familiar if not strange at least awkward or uncomfortable, an outgrown garment. And some people travel far more than others.
She goes on for another few pages talking about butterflies and metamorphosis, with the chrysalis and instar stages, an example so completely perfect and written so compellingly that I highly recommend you seek it out sometime (it is just too long to put down here). But she gets to the nub, I think, of where I currently am, which is maybe not lost after all.
Do you seem to read books in clusters of a particular theme? Is it intentional or do you only realize it after the fact? Do you think it matters if you are choosing fiction or nonfiction as the source? Is one more of an escape and the other a how-to manual?
HOUSEKEEPING: For any non-Twitter, non-Bloglovin’ (or other similar kind of feed) folks out there, I want to let you know that I have created a Facebook Page where you can follow all of my writing, not just what appears on my blog. It’s called “Kristen Ploetz, Writer”. Hope to see you there.
Copyright (c) 2014 Kristen M. Ploetz
I normally don’t read (much less review) books like Small Move, Big Change: Using Microresolutions to Transform Your Life Permanently, by Caroline L. Arnold, but I really liked the premise of the notion that in order to see big changes (over the long term) all it takes is a micro change that you commit to and stick with. Knowing that there a few people in my life (personally and online) who lament about things they wish they could do differently or changes they wish they could make permanent, I thought perhaps I’d share a quick review of this book.
As the book jacket aptly points out,
[N]early 90 percent of personal improvement resolutions end in failure. These endless defeats may tempt you to take increasingly drastic steps to effect change, but in fact it’s the small but pivotal behavioral change—the microresolution—that is actually most likely to get you to your goal.
Arnold more succinctly puts it like this a few pages into the introduction:
The way to free ourselves from cynicism and reverse our expectation of failure is to learn how to make resolutions we can sustain.
A microresolution is easy to keep.
It makes sense, really, when you think about all those grand plans of initiating a major life(style) change and then finding yourself failing or flailing mere weeks or even days later. That’s the beauty of the microresolution. It’s small enough to keep but also big enough to eventually make a difference.
One of Arnold’s own examples related to losing weight. Sound familiar? Instead of a sweeping resolution to “get thin by summer” or “never snack again” or “never eat cookies again”, she did something very specific: she (micro)resolved to never eat the conference room cookies again. In other words, she “kept [her] resolution reasonable and limited“. By structuring it in this very precise way, it was not only easy to accomplish, but also easy to measure success. If there were cookies in the conference room and she didn’t eat any, she succeeded. It was but one way that she started the effort to reach her larger goal of thwarting her increasing weight gain.
I mean, it’s so refreshingly simple, isn’t it? I think so.
After an enlightening short chapter about why our typically larger resolutions fail, in Part One of the book Arnold gets into the seven “rules” for making microresolutions. In quick chapters, she uses examples from her own life as well as others’, pointing out what worked, what didn’t. She instructs us on the how and why of making microresolutions, with advice about how to give it a positive spin and structuring them in a way to offer almost immediate gratification when we achieve the goal on a daily (or otherwise regular) basis. She points out how to tell when a microresolution isn’t small enough, and when it can be expanded. Arnold educates us about the difference between our new behaviors and bona fide good habits (that will eventually form if we stick with our microresolutions for the long term).
She also tells us how many microresolutions we should have at any given time. Ready for this? TWO. That’s it.
Part Two of the book digs a little deeper into various realms that a reader might want to focus her microresolutions, with each chapter focusing on a different one: sleep, fitness, diet/nutrition, clutter, relationships, spending, punctuality, and organization. Obviously you can skip to the chapter(s) that might resonate with you most given what you are trying to accomplish.
For me, I basically focused on the diet/nutrition chapter the most, but I did also peek at the relationships and organization chapters as well, making mental notes for later.
Since I found this book at the library and read it right before vacation, I decided to wait until I returned to actually start my microresolutions, knowing that I couldn’t keep them in their first week while on a very indulgent time away from home. Why start with a failure, right?
So here are my two current microresolutions:
1. No eating after 10pm. A lot of the regrettable eating (and, let’s face it, occasionally some drinks too, especially in summer) happens in the half hour before I usually go to bed. I’m resolving to stop that. Only a few days in, it’s hard, but manageable, and that’s the point.
2. No wheat between wake-up and 4pm. I’m not sure if I’ve structured this one the right way yet. But the truth is I get really bloated when I eat wheat, end up feeling crabby if I eat too much of it, and most of it is snacking or “I’m too lazy to make something healthy”. Like the Goldfish lying around, or a couple of slices left over from last night’s loaf of crusty bread. But I love, LOVE bread and pizza and the like, so I am intentionally still allowing myself those things, but it might be for dinner, rather than all day long. I’m also not cutting out carbs altogether with this one–I can still have a baked potato for lunch or have popcorn as a snack. Maybe not much healthier than a hunk of bread and butter, but certainly some. Notably those also take more work to make than slicing a baguette, so I am not even sure there will end up being a tit for tat replacement because I’m lazy sometimes.
All in all, what Arnold points out is intuitive. But before this book I hadn’t really thought about it quite the same (or right) way, particularly all of the reasons why bigger resolutions often fall by the wayside, AND that it is OK to make the smallest of changes and still call it a success. I think too many of us feel like we have to go big or go home with everything, and that’s just not the case.
I’ll keep you posted periodically of how I do with these microresolutions.
What about you? Is there some small change that you could make? Let’s microresolve together!
Copyright (c) 2014 Kristen M. Ploetz
Sometimes, as a writer, you have to let go of certain pieces—that is, the ones that keep getting rejected. I wrote this about a year ago, in response to a call for submissions that focused on a particular theme. It got rejected. In fact, it got rejected a few more places after that. I need to let go of this piece, not because my confidence in it is faltering (though it is), but because the girl that I wrote about here, she’s different now. Braver and less risk averse. I want to honor that transformation. When I write about her, I want to be in the present. To do that, I need to let go of this tiny snapshot of the past.
What are you doing?” I asked her.
Her eyes were closed. Her empty hand was in a fist. Above it, she inhaled through her nose and exhaled through her sweet pink lips.
“Smelling my flower, and then blowing out my birthday candle to make a wish,” she replied, infused with that faint hint of “duh, Mama!” that five and a half year olds seem to suddenly pick up from the older kids at the playground.
My wrinkled eyebrow revealed that I didn’t understand.
“Miss Lara told me to do that when I was afraid of the dark clouds on the playground today,” she explained.
Ah, now I see. There must have been thunderstorms on the distant horizon during outdoor playtime. I can only imagine the look of fear that she must have had, likely clinging to the leg of the nearest adult. She had been in a stage where even the remotest of thunderstorm possibilities triggered palpable, visible fear. For the greater part of a year, this was but one thing that induced a perplexing state of anxiety for her, our sensitive worrier. These were covert breathing exercises aimed at getting her to relax.
But what threw me was the off-the-cuff brilliance of that twenty-something teacher’s aide. It far outshined the (very expensive) textbook advice that my anxious young daughter had received from her highly decorated post-doc therapist just nine months prior. It was so obvious and elegantly simple: if you want to reach a child, speak to them in their own magical language. Why do we adults so frequently forget this? Flowers and wishes? Yes, these she could understand. This she could use.
Our worrier was becoming a warrior. She was breathing again.
All it took was a pair of cheap plastic goggles. Not the supportive praise of her Dad offered from a poolside bench over sixteen humid Sundays at the Y. Not my kind words of encouragement before she left for her lessons, or the high fives for the small achievements when she returned. By all accounts she loved swimming in the pool. Yet despite our efforts, our young daughter was seemingly destined to remain a pike, with eel becoming increasingly elusive so long as she refused to immerse her head.
The reason? Wet eyes. She did not trust her breath if she had to keep her eyes closed too. Like me, she is someone who needs to see what is around her. Getting water in those bright blue eyes was the roadblock standing in the way of above and below.
Ultimately, it was not our measured reassurances and coaxing that gave her the confidence to go under. It was not our ability as loving, supportive parents. No, it was the bubblegum pink goggles found in the last aisle of a dusty bargain bin store, purchased in a last ditch effort to help her move forward. I hated them at first, overwhelming in their plastic stench and insulting in their $1.99 price tag. The likely conditions under which they were manufactured crawled under my skin. I thought about the environmental ramifications of my purchase as I reluctantly handed the clerk my five dollar bill.
But how could I ignore the instant transformation that this elegantly simple solution ultimately induced? This time, it seemed, her comfort and confidence were clearly Made in China.
Our little mermaid went deeper in the water and also within herself. She learned how to hold her breath.
The dichotomy of what my anxious little one learned in the span of just one year was nothing short of life saving, maybe for all of us. We are not living at the outer edge of raw exasperation. She can take in more of what life has to offer.
Breathe in, breathe out. Take a gulp of air, and hold it. To trust in these polar opposites is to reveal one’s own inner strength and bravery. She is freer now because she knows how to breathe, and when not to.
Copyright (c) 2014 Kristen M. Ploetz
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